"... while with an eye made quiet by the power of harmony, and the deep power of joy, we see into the life of things ..."
- William Wordsworth

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Too much alone

"Too much alone" - phrase borrowed from Ezra Pound, Cathay

There are several sadnesses which I cling to; like the sadness of departing from a dearly loved friend (because it means that I am loved); or the altruistic sadness I feel when I see poverty and homelessness (because it means that I am not entirely selfish); or the existential sadness that drives me to write (because it leads to the pleasure of creative expression).
There are several sadnesses which I cling to. And loneliness is not one of them.

Suddenly, I find I am afraid of solitude.
I used to seek it out so desperately, rejoicing in that feeling of being utterly alone. It’s funny, the connotations of those two words: solitude and loneliness. Don’t they mean the same thing? But not at all… Solitude is sought out. Loneliness is forced upon unsuspecting victims. Lately, I’ve been so afraid of being alone. When I feel that loneliness creeping up on me, I immediately and desperately try to fill it with people. And then I feel needy, which honestly shouldn’t be such a bad thing. People need each other. Why can’t we just admit it? And don’t we love to feel needed? Maybe not everyone is like that, but that’s how I am. My friends, please don’t be afraid to need me!
Anyway, that wasn’t supposed to be my point. My point is this: I need to see solitude as a good thing again. Not in the way that a Dickinson-esque reclusiveness can foster the morose pleasure of self-inflicted pain. Nope. I’ve done that. I’m referring to the solitude of the Mountain and the English countryside and the ocean. The solitude of today, where I sit cross-legged on a log on the beach of Bellingham Bay, with the sun and the breeze, and nowhere to be. This is the solitude in which I am forced to see God, because there is nothing else in the way.
So excuse me while I revel in my newfound (or refound) bliss…

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I will endure the night for the promise of light

Here is the first blog post in a long time, due to the craziness of summer. It is peppered with literary and biblical references, of course, in true English major form.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” – Philippians 4:12

“So much need is there for change of scene, new points of view. How many notice so glorious a phenomenon as the rising of the sun over a familiar landscape? All that is necessary to make any landscape visible and therefore impressive is to regard it from a new point of view, or from the old one with our heads upside-down. Then we behold a new heaven and earth and are born again, as if we had gone on a pilgrimage to some far-off holy land and had become new creatures with bodies inverted; the scales fall from our eyes, and in like manner are we made to see when we go on excursions into fields and pastures new.”
-          John Muir

I remember thinking at some point when I was living on the mountain (both literally and figuratively) that I had found the ‘secret of being content in any and every situation’. And that was a kind of joy and wonder at everything around me. It was a sort of detachment from the things that vex me, so that I could look at them from above, then swoop back down and be entirely in everything with new eyes, and with a body “inverted”.
Well, so much for that. My life seems to be a cycle of learning and unlearning. I learn things like Paul’s secret of being content, and then consequently unlearn it in the course of a year. It’s so… irrational. I am a completely irrational person.
Here is something I learned recently. Or rather, something I rambled on about on the phone yesterday and then realized was kind of true. There are so many things I ‘need’, and no one place or group of people is going to give me all that. I ‘need’ a place where I can go hiking. I ‘need’ to be close to the ocean, close to mountains. I ‘need’ to see trees out my window. I ‘need’ to have a place where I can be alone. I ‘need’ a strong community of people around me at all times. I ‘need’ someone whom I can constantly spill my soul to. I ‘need’ people who will hug me regularly. I ‘need’ to feel needed. This is quite a list of demands, and it’s very unlikely that I will find all of these things at once. Every place I’ve lived has been lacking in at least one of these things. Although, Capernwray was pretty darn close... And camp… Dang it. Why do those places have to be so temporary? Perhaps it’s too much of a good thing. Anyway, that’s not my point. Here is my point: How presumptuous of me to demand all of these things in my life?!

“We feel that we have been blessed far beyond anything that we have deserved; and though we cannot but pray for a continuance of all these mercies, we acknowledge our unworthiness of them and implore Thee to pardon the presumption of our desires.” – Jane Austen

So I will leave you with this summary of a rather disjointed post. Life is frustratingly cyclical. It is a process of learning and unlearning, dying and being made new. (“I am making everything new!” – Revelation 21:5) And thus, by that logic, we can’t always be on the “up and up”, but must inevitably sometimes be on the “down and down(?)” so we can’t complain when we don’t feel great about everything in our lives. And “everything is full of blessings”, (that’s from Tintern Abbey, of course!) so why should we presume to desire more than what God has given us?!
Now put that in your evangelical pipe and smoke it. (If you get that reference, you should leave a comment on this post)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Oh, For Crying in the Beer Cheese Soup...

Alrighty. (Apparently Minnesotan accents are going to be the big thing this summer)

Here’s the deal. Next Friday, I’m heading off, yet again, to glorious Cascades Camp for a ridiculous summer of utmost hilarity, hard work, and exponential growth. I’ll be the Ranch SALT leader until August-ish, and then who knows what will happen after that. I’ll be gone until Labor Day-ish, and won’t have much time off, so to many of you, I may as well have dropped off the face of the earth. There exists, however, a beautiful thing called the United States Postal Service. You can actually physically send things to another person – like pieces of paper, cardboard boxes, and apparently coconuts. I would greatly appreciate any kind of correspondence this summer, and I always make an effort to write back, even though my life will be ridiculous. Here is my address!
Tooie (My camp name – Anna works too)
Cascades Camp
22825 Peissner Rd. SE
Yelm, WA 98597
Okey doke!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

An ode to good friends.

This is for all of my lovely friends for whom I am extremely grateful:
You are the only people I dance around.
I quote inside jokes when I’m with other people, and they don’t understand, because they aren’t you.
I keep your letters, because they are marvelous.
We make up our own words (and actually use them).
Lucky for me, you think it’s endearing that I make so many weird noises.
We have psychic conversations.                   
You text me all the funny little things you think about.
You bring out all the best parts of me.
Remember when we were five and wore matching gymnastics outfits?
You tell me what I need to hear.
You let me read poetry when we’re hiking.
We can be extremely nerdy at the drop of a hat.
We write songs that no one else will ever hear.
I’ve picked up a lot of your mannerisms.
You understand.
From 2,600 miles away, you made me laugh so hard I cried.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Standing in Forests

Here is a small blurb I wrote last week. Enjoy.
I need to always live in a place where I can stand in forests. Today, I biked down the Interurban Trail towards Larabee State Park in search of a place to read Emerson in the woods. The sun was streaming brilliantly through the trees as I flew through the forest. When I had gone a couple miles into the trees, I stopped for water and realized how exhausted I was. I stood still, looked up, and felt as if the trees were revolving slowly above me. Suddenly, I was swallowed by the forest. I breathed in deep and was made new. I tasted the trees.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Blurg. (Because I couldn’t think of a good title, and I’ve been watching a lot of 30 Rock lately)


It snowed in Bellingham last night. And I wore hiking boots to school. Then we talked about Emerson in my “American Nature Writings” class. If I’m not careful, I could get stuck in Bellingham for a long time…
I’m sorry I’ve been a negligent blogger. But whatever. It’s been a crazy month. But I’m not going to tell funny anecdotes in this post about my ridiculous Europe trip. You’ll have to actually talk to me if that’s what you want.
No. I’m here, once again, to talk about the theme of this blog. Awake my soul. By the way, if you haven’t heard that song by Mumford and Sons, I say to you, “Do it. Do it now!” Then proceed to buy the whole album. It’s worth it.
Anyway, I haven’t blogged in awhile because all of my deep thinking and philosophical insights, etc. have gone into my two English classes. Over the past three weeks, my mind has been running around between English classes, writing discussion questions, “journal entries”, response papers, etc. And I had to read Jane Austen at superhuman speed. Needless to say, my brain is having a hard time organizing my non-English-class thoughts.
So here is something I wrote for my “American Nature Writings” class. We were assigned to find a “place” in nature where we have to read and write journal entries every week, reflecting on our experiences of reading in nature. So here it is:
My “place” is nothing too spectacular. It is a creek that runs quietly through a modest grove of trees. I’ve had quite a few “places” over the past several years that were much more dramatic.
            This past summer, I worked at Mount Rainier National Park, and my place was a small footbridge over a mountain stream, looking out over the exquisite Paradise Valley and the dramatic Tatoosh Mountain Range. To my left, Sluiskin Falls tumbled over Mazama Ridge and rushed into the stream that ran beneath me. If I turned around, I would see the summit of Mount Rainier, looming over the landscape with authority. But I would sit with my back to that beloved mountain, comforted by its presence, and marvel over the perfect stillness of the valley and gagged peaks on the other side. There was a meandering stream through the lush meadow, where deer, marmots, foxes, and bears could usually be seen. I fell madly in love with the Tatoosh Mountains this summer. I would sit on that bridge, reading the poems of William Wordsworth and Emily Bronte. I once sat there with my sister and a very dear friend, reading Psalms, and letting the words fill the valley, and bounce off the mountains. That was a spectacular place.

            Last year, I lived in Chicago. I was starved for nature in that flat, gray city. But I found a “place”, where the city ran up against the vast and beautiful Lake Michigan, where the great schemes of man were halted by a large mass of water. I could stand on the edge and almost make the city disappear in my mind. There was always wind on the edge of Lake Michigan. In Chicago, the wind was dear to me. When the sparse trees were bare and I ached for mountains, a powerful gust of wind would suddenly bombard me with nature.

            Two years ago, I lived in Northern England for nine months. My “place” was a grassy hill in the middle of a valley. I one direction was the “castle” where I lived and went to school. A sleepy brook wound its way through the valley, conquered by an occasional ancient stone bridge. In another direction, I could just see the Lake District “mountains”, begging me to explore them. There was a tree on my hill with a perfect nook where I could sit and read. At other times, I would walk through the fields, reading Jane Austen (I was reading Sense and Sensibility at the time). British literature definitely comes alive when it’s read while wandering about the English countryside. I fell in love with poetry that year. I found a beautiful old Wordsworth anthology at the used bookshop in town, and I spent an entire week in the Lake District, following Wordsworth’s footsteps and reading his poems in the very places where they were written. That was spectacular.

            So my “place” Bellingham is nothing too spectacular. But I came across it about a month ago when I was riding my bike. I had my trusty copy of Wordsworth, so I stopped to read some poetry. The poem was “Influence of Natural Objects”:

Wisdom and Spirit of the Universe!
Thou Soul, that art the Eternity of thought!
And giv'st to forms and images a breath
And everlasting motion! not in vain,
By day or star-light, thus from my first dawn
Of childhood didst thou intertwine for me
The passions that build up our human soul;
Not with the mean and vulgar works of man,
But with high objects, with enduring things,
With life and nature; purifying thus
The elements of feeling and of thought,
And sanctifying by such discipline
Both pain and fear, -- until we recognize
A grandeur in the beatings of the heart.

Nor was this fellowship vouchsafed to me
With stinted kindness. In November days,
When vapours rolling down the valleys made
A lonely scene more lonesome; among woods
At noon; and mid the calm of summer nights,
When, by the margin of the trembling Lake,
Beneath the gloomy hills, I homeward went
In solitude, such intercourse was mine:
'Twas mine among the fields both day and night,
And by the waters, all the summer long.
And in the frosty season, when the sun
Was set, and, visible for many a mile,
The cottage windows through the twilight blazed,
I heeded not the summons: -happy time
It was indeed for all of us; for me
It was a time of rapture! -Clear and loud
The village clock tolled six -I wheeled about,
Proud and exulting like an untired horse
That cares not for his home. -All shod with steel
We hissed along the polished ice, in games
Confederate, imitative of the chase
And woodland pleasures, -the resounding horn,
The pack loud-bellowing, and the hunted hare.
So through the darkness and the cold we flew,
And not a voice was idle: with the din
Meanwhile the precipices rang aloud;
The leafless trees and every icy crag
Tinkled like iron; while the distant hills
Into the tumult sent an alien sound
Of melancholy, not unnoticed, while the stars,
Eastward, were sparkling clear, and in the west
The orange sky of evening died away.

Not seldom from the uproar I retired
Into a silent bay, -or sportively
Glanced sideway, leaving the tumultuous throng,
To cut across the reflex of a Star;
Image that, flying still before me, gleamed
Upon the glassy plain: and oftentimes,
When we had given our bodies to the wind,
And all the shadowy banks on either side
Came sweeping through the darkness, spinning still
The rapid line of motion, then at once
Have I, reclining back upon my heels,
Stopped short; yet still the solitary cliffs
Wheeled by me -even as if the earth had rolled
With visible motion her diurnal round!
Behind me did they stretch in solemn train,
Feebler and feebler, and I stood and watched
Till all was tranquil as a summer sea.

            Something about the combination of the tranquility of the stream and the trees beginning to bud resonated with the words of this poem, and I was inextricably moved to tears. I am now attached to that place, not because it is the most dramatic view in Bellingham, but because it made me cry.

If you made it all the way through that, congratulations. You know how much of a nerd I am.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Donald Miller, you've done it again.

Donald Miller, you've done it again. You've spoken beautiful words directly into my life.

This is from the foreword to Through Painted Deserts:
"Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.
I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.
...

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it? It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word for you: leave."

Once again, Donald Miller justifies the choices that I've made in my life. I have this need to move around, to go places, and to have adventures that are not simply fun, but that change my life. "It would be a crime not to venture out..."